Questions I’ve asked myself in the last year of my 20s
Thought No. 7
I’m turning 30 at the end of this year. I can confidently state that I have I repeated this statement more then 30 times. It’s strange. A little girl, growing up. I feel confident and secure. I equally feel lost and scared. I’m writing this whilst walking on the treadmill at the gym. Quite romantic. I’m listening to ‘Cherry’ by Lana. The actual only thing that’s romantic about this moment. Air conditioning that’s too cold to bear. Although something has to cancel out the sweat of sweaty muscles. Back to why I started this piece. Questions that I’ve asked myself in the first half of year of 29. I may try to console myself with an answer? Maybe I’ll just write my thoughts around the question? Not sure but here I go.
Does age matter? I’ve asked myself this question in the context of dating. This year, I’ve been fixated on the thought that I need someone who has experienced enough life to match my needs in a relationship. I know, people say age is just a number. Speaking to that, there are humans who have lived longer & not wiser. There are younger souls, much wiser. Although is it the majority? I’m at the point, where I feel like a little more age given there is enough self-awareness and willingness to grow in the years lived matters. Maybe it doesn’t when you’re in love? In rebuttal, maybe love is not enough?
Should I give up my full-time job and go all in with my business? Yes. I haven’t but yes. I have always been a creative person. If that’s limited, I feel unhappy. For a long time, I told myself that I need that mental challenge (I get through my full-time). The truth is, I have avoided challenging myslef with my passion. The avoidance has justified my fear. If I gave more of myself, my entire self I would be challenged and I know it. Back to this question, I feel like it’s not a matter of if but when.
What am I scared of? Losing a loved one again. Grief? Failure?
Have I achieved what I set out too? This terrifies me. What it I don’t have enough time to do it? As much as I hate to admit it, my achievements define a part of me. I value that past versions of myself pulled through tough times, not just surviving by achieving things that little me would be proud of. When is it enough?
Would I have social media if I didn’t have a business?
Where am I going?
Is existing with someone enough? Yes. Mute all the other noise. Where did the joy go in not racing to the next step? The thought that on a casual basis, people can say I love you and not mean a single word is wild. Although, this is all coming from me who, is scared of commitment. I don’t trust easily and I often seclude into my own little space. I talk bout existence in the context of attention and proximity. For any type of existence to flourish, choosing to give a part of yourself to them is everything. Does this stand for all relationships? Lovers, friends, siblings?
What is my body saying? I say this to myself when I’m confused about a decision. It helps.
Will things get better in my 30s?
Am I living a purposeful life?
Does my ambition make me shallow?
A short write up. Some questions left unanswered with no thoughts. Really, these questions float and linger with no answers. My mind might take me elsewhere closer to 30. I’ll check back in with myself closer to December.
Christiana